My January of 2020 5150 Story
Hospital Visit #1
My name is Victor and I have Spinal Muscular Atrophy Type Two, along with severe Sclerosis, and Asthma..
I have always been one to keep to myself because I personally felt that no one could relate nor help me with the things I was currently going through.
I am here to tell you I was wrong. I learned the EXTREME HARD WAY that I didn't need anyone to understand me. I just needed an open ear and have someone just listen.. no feedback.. just simply to listen.
I was battling this war called SMA and I woke up one day feeling weaker than usual. As I tried brushing my teeth "I couldn't do it" and I had hid it from my mother, and little twin sister because I didn't want to be helped and turn into a vegetable/ get weaker for not doing anything.
Days go by and I am slowly getting more and more frustrated with my disability because it was affecting my morning routine, I was struggling feeding myself saying "I am full" when in reality I was still hungry. My mom and twin sister could tell something was wrong, but as always I said "I am okay.. I'm just tired.."
I was also running a E-commerce business dealing with suppliers, product shipping, running Ads, bookkeeping, customer service, and a crap ton of other business logistics.. that didn't help either. I would struggle typing on my laptop because I was just so weak I would get really tired. I struggled handling my phone too and that really took a toll on me because "everything just seemed was going downhill."
One night I lost it and when I say I lost it.. I mean I blew the f*** up! No other way to say it in all honesty..
That night my mother had called 911 because I was super hot (drenched in sweat), heart racing too fast, and at this point had completely lost control of my mind and had "given up" 100% of my faith in god/ the higher power.
I have now lost complete control of my mind and mouth yelling at everyone saying things I didn't mean such as "I am going to make you feel the pain I felt", "f*** you", "f*** your mother" (meaning the Virgin Mary..) and much more and MUCH worse..
(When I pray I don't say "my Lord, my Father, my God.. etc. When I pray I say "Mom & Dad.." praying to the Virgin Mary and to our God. Why? I can't explain it, but it's just how I pray).
I, at this point, had upped my heart rate to 180 bpm+ (average heart rate is 60-100 bpm). I almost bit off my tongue. I'm spitting everywhere. Then.. I couldn't remember how to breathe.. yes, I said "I forgot how to breathe". My oxygen had stopped for a good 10 - 20 seconds and I am now lost looking up "stuck in the middle" from this bright white light that's on my left or to reality which was on the right. My eyes looked right and I then was able to catch my breathe again.
I, of course, had hospital security placed to watch me 24/7 and I am still yelling with frustration to the hospital staff, hospital security, and also to my family.. my family that had been there for me. They chose to stick right beside me and not leave me despite the aweful and horrible things I was saying and telling them.
The hospital then highly sedated me for four days and when I had woken up I had woken up with a feeling I had never felt before. I am still trying to understand what it is that I mean by this feeling, but this feeling just felt amazing.
That morning when I had woken up.. a Chaplin had walked in and he said a prayer. After he said his prayer for me he then had given me a rosary.. "this rosary changed my life". I had now been discharged about an hour or two after he had left..
Hospital Visit #2
I had been put on to take depression-ant pills and now I am even more frustrated than ever because I had lost control of myself "once" after 21+ years of my life living and I get put on medication that I didn't feel was needed. "Everyone was focused on my one past mistake and wouldn't let me move on from it because it was so fresh and new that it was everyone's main focus.."
A couple of days go by and I am super sleep deprived to the point I had been awake for 72+ hours straight because I am disappointed at the whole situation. After my first hospital visit I was back to my normal "calm" self. So I couldn't wrap my head around it that I will now be taking these pills for the rest of my life.
911 gets called out again, but this time due to lack of sleep and also being in extreme back pain. For those of you that don't know when you aren't sleeping your next step is getting sick because it weakens your immune system. So I had went in.. and I am calm, coherent, respectful, and I now have regained 100% of my faith back at this point. I was put to sleep with the help of the hospital IV and was discharged the very next day. (Still on the pills..)
I am up and awake very disappointed with a lot of people because "no one will even give me a chance to be myself again.. no one." So now I am awake sobbing all night trying to figure out "how can I overcome this" because I've been through tough battles, challenges, and life tests.
Days go by again.. and I am sleep deprived because I just can't see a way on how I can stop taking these pills and bring my mom peace all at the same time..
50+ hours sleep deprived and I am now scared more than ever because I know this is strike 3 for this to continue for me with the hospital. That morning my mother had called my older brother and had told him the situation. He showed up. We're talking for awhile and he looked me in the eye and said "you need sleep.." and I responded back with "I do. I really do man.. I am just scared because this is strike 3 for me. I want to make it out.." *crying and shaking*
"You will come home" he said.
"Look me in the eye and promise me I will make it out of the hospital" I said.
*crying and sobbing* because I don't want to get placed in a psych facility.
"I promise you will come home" he said.
*Calls 911 and ambulance picks me up*
Hospital Visit #3
*Ambulance shows up
EMT & Paramedics load me up onto their gurney and load me up into the back of the ambulance.
We drive off to the hospital and I again was 100% calm, coherent, respectful, alert and responsive with everyone..
I get to the hospital, and had talked with a doctor. As me and the doctor are talking he/she is asking me questions and says "okay, I am going to now talk with your mother" I respond with "okay, that's fine."
Time goes by and I asked my nurse "can I please have something for my back pain?.." Nurse says "let me check.." Nurse checks and is only able to give me a small dosage (due to so many hospital experiences I know what works and what doesn't because "I am just so used to it".
"Is there any way you can up the dosage a little, not much, it's because I am in such extreme pain my back is throbbing?.." I had asked.
Nurse responds with "do you want it or not!"
I at this point came to the understanding "something isn't right.." So I reply with "something is better than nothing.." *closes eyes and sheds a tear
I told myself "find out what's going on.. breathe Victor.. just breathe man.. hang on in there.."
*Nurse gives me shot of pain medication
I ask "can I get a update on what's going on?.."
*Looks over and sees security now on watch duty for me
Nurse replies "we are waiting for your psychiatrist to get here.."
I am now in complete shock as to why this was happening all over again because I am 100% coherent, respectful, alert, responsive, doing everything the doctors and nurses are requesting etc..
I then ask "why?.."
Nurse responds with "your doctor placed you on a 1799."
I ask "what for?.."
*I am now scared sh*tless because I am now in the unknown with everything that is now taking place.
"Can I see my mother?.." I ask.
Nurse "you want to see your mother?.."
"Yes." I said.
*Nurse leaves.. no one comes. Not my mom, brother, sister, family no one. A lot of time has gone by so now I am yet again even more scared because I am completely by myself having no one right beside me to help keep me from falling apart inside..
"Your doctor wants blood work done."
"Can we put in a IV because I am a hard poke 'my record is 14 pokes to start an IV.." I asked.
Nurse "are you refusing your bloodwork?"
We are back and fourth and I just had enough so I said "it's okay.. it's fine.." *shuts eyes trying to hold in my emotions and myself from falling apart
Time goes by and lab worked checked out 100% fine.
"We need you to do a urine sample"
I ask "why?.." because bloodwork shows more than a urine sample.
Nurse replies "we can force a catheter if you refuse to pee.."
"I'll pee. But can my mother take me because I'll feel more comfortable with her?.." I ask.
Nurse again asks "are you sure you want to see your mother?.."
*Momma bear comes
I go pee..
I update her on what I know and asks her "what's going on?"
She says back "Son, since you've been here I have not talked to anyone."
Me "mom, every time I spoke with the doctor he/she said they were going to speak with you."
*Momma bear leaves..
*I am beyond stressed, scared, and nervous as to what it is that's going on..
*Psychiatrist shows up..
*Gets moved from a 1799 to a 5150
"Why am I being placed on a 5150?.." I asked.
Psychiatrist says "due to your recent hospital experience three weeks ago. I am placing you on a 5150 and is going to have you placed and evaluated at a psychiatric facility."
*Breathless and speechless with no words.. I broke down sobbing and shaking praying and asking for more strength than ever before because I now felt that my mother just lost her son, my grandmother had lost her grandson, my brother and sister just lost their brother..
Mom and the family found out what is now taking place and when you're placed on a 5150 you are stripped from all your legal rights and there is nothing that can be done within 72 hours. Not even a lawyer can do anything.
*Mom comes and we're both crying..
*Twin sister comes and we're in tears..
*Brother comes and all emotions are just pouring out I couldn't hold myself together..
*Hospital is looking to place me 'possibly' outside of the states and this just keeps getting tougher and heavier for me to fight. "My shield had too many sticks and stones on it"
Hours go by and I tell my mom "what if they don't take care of me?.."
She says "son, please don't tell me this. I feel like I was just ripped apart."
*Crying and sobbing I couldn't get myself back together..
As more and more time went by we were told that a psychologist was going to see me that next morning and they had the ability to override and uplift my 5150.
*My stress level went from a 10 to a 2 in a matter of seconds.
"Everything I had prayed for was just answered" I got this relief that "everything will be okay"
*Smiling because it was a Saturday and I was really determined to make it to church the next day.. which was Sunday.
*Psychologist walks in..
Me, my mother, and my aunt are talking with the doctor, and he happened to be one of my greatest life blessings.
"Remember I am with you always" Mathew 28:20
Update to now February of 2020?..
I am home feeling greater than ever!
"Everything happens for a reason"
Although this was a really tough and scary experience for me and my family. It had lead me to creating my own website sharing my life experience's and my life journey. The purpose of me opening up like this is because I have had many people in my life that I looked up to and heard stories of others that ended up helping me throughout my life being my survival guide to always keep pushing forward despite what life throws at you.
"My goal isn't to inspire the world. My purpose is to inspire YOU in some shape or form."
My name is Victortheinspiration and I am here to tell you that Love & Patience is all we need. Love teaches us kindness and patience teaches us how to remain strong through our life tests.
Say this to yourself "I didn't make it this far just to quit now"
GOD BLESS! :D